“…you can’t really
dust for vomit…” [proceed
at your own risk]
| Left to right:
David Spade and Jaime Pressly in "Joe
Dirt;" Matthew Lillard in "Thir13en
Ghosts;" Aaliyah is the "Queen
of the Damned." |
I generally either like or love David Spade’s
work, but “Joe
Dirt” (2001) is a total
waste of time. If you like redneck humor,
watch the same year’s “Say
It Isn’t So” instead;
it has an almost identical plot (an idiot
searching for his parents), the same trailer
park appeal, and is much more entertaining
— perhaps because it doesn’t
rely on one person but instead a strong
cast, including Chris Klein, Heather Graham,
and Sally Field. Spade is much better in
his collaborations with yet another SNL
grad, the late Chris Farley (“Tommy
Boy,” 1995, and “Black
Sheep,” 1996); his banter in “Joe
Dirt” is kind of like a match against
a tennis practice machine. Martin Lawrence’s
“Black
Knight” (2001) is a similar
story; this slapstick/ghetto humor would-be
comedy is just not funny. Worse yet, it’s
thinly plotted around Lawrence’s character
waking up in the 14th century after a —
guess what — blow to the head. An
accomplished comedian, Lawrence is bearable
as an actor only when his antics are supported
by actual acting, such as that of Will Smith
and Tea Leoni in “Bad
Boys” (1995, with a sequel
coming out in 2003). Another cumbersome
production is “Saving
Silverman” (2001), where
two friends try to prevent the third from
marrying the wrong woman. This one definitively
proves that “American
Pie” star Jason Biggs just can’t
act. The filmmakers apparently tried to
side-step this problem by also casting Amanda
Peet, Jack Black, and Steve Zahn, but even
this talented trio couldn’t do much
to improve the ridiculously repetitive script.
This “just too dumb” quality
is not helped by Neil
Diamond’s cameo appearance; in
fact, this is yet another in a string of
the singer’s questionable and obviously
financially driven choices (think back to
his 1992 Christmas special… of Jewish
origin).
“Summer
Catch” (2001), a melodramatic
rendition of yet another “underprivileged”
youth’s (Freddy Prinze, Jr.) quest
for the Big Leagues, might as well be titled
“Summer Miss.” If anything,
it serves as a platform for Jessica Biel
to shed the good girl 7th
Heaven image by parading around
half-naked. The talents of Prinze and Matthew
Lillard are totally wasted here. With another
2001 release, “Thir13en
Ghosts,” Lillard’s
success as an actor is becoming questionable;
he is clearly not doing as well as one would
expect based on his previous successes in
the teen flick genre. Also starring Tony
Shalhoub, F. Murray Abraham, and Shannon
Elizabeth (half-naked again, God bless “American
Pie”), “Thir13en Ghosts”
is as close as the extraordinarily talented
Lillard has come to a lead role since “SLC
Punk!,” but this one is so badly
written that it is more of a blemish on
the fine actors’ careers than anything
else. It does, however, have one plus: Dark
Castle Entertainment (“House
on Haunted Hill,” 1999) sure knows
how to make haunted houses look fabulous;
the studio is masterful in terms of creepy
visuals, make-up, and special effects. (On
a side note, is anyone else disturbed by
the continuing trend of numbers instead
of letters in movie titles? Clever this
is not — anymore, that is, since the
groundbreaking typography work of “Se7en,”
1995.)
“Murder
by Numbers” (2002) is
Sandra Bullock’s sad attempt to evade
typecasting by playing an emotionally bankrupt
cop working a series of murders. She has
yet to convince audiences that she can handle
a lead dramatic role. Her first attempt,
“28
Days” (2000), also failed
to achieve this goal, but this drama —
set in a substance abuse clinic and co-starring
Viggo Mortensen, Elizabeth Perkins, and
Steve Buscemi — was a much better
film overall. In addition to Bullock’s
terribly lacking performance, the plot of
“Murder by Numbers” is predictable
and boring; the only noteworthy aspect of
this film is its young stars, Ryan Gosling
and Michael Pitt.
As
to the worst of this bunch, the honors go
to “Queen
of the Damned” (2002)
and “Bones”
(2001). Anne Rice fans must be
appalled at the poor cinematic adaptation
of her literary genius and equally disappointed
by this grossly inferior sequel to the smash
1994 hit, “Interview
with the Vampire.” “Queen
of the Damned” offers nothing but
packaging; the late Aaliyah is stunningly
exotic, and the film is beautifully art-directed,
but there is nothing else there (except,
perhaps, for the rare cinematic appearance
of Lena Olin, who now spends most of her
time on television’s Alias).
“Bones” is, in essence, “The
Haunting” (1999) in the ghetto,
with Snoop Dogg in his debut — and
quite possibly the last — attempt
at the big screen. With a murdered gangster
coming back for revenge years later, this
story is as passé as they come, and
even the wondrous creature that is Pam Greer
can’t elevate this flick from the
obscurity for which it is destined.
Note: All
film images are © and property of their
respective studios.
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